The Joy and Pain of Parenting Adult Children
Watching my kids grow up is one of
the greatest blessings of this life. Seeing those precious little babies grow
from infants to toddlers, children, adolescents, and now mature young men and
women has been truly amazing. I am so proud of each of them, and getting to know
them as adults is the sweetest thing about getting older. (3 John 4)
The flip side to this is learning
how I failed as a parent. Different problems, challenges, and shortcomings were addressed with anger or impatience. Times that served the needs of one of
the children felt like favoritism to the others. Processing through all the
damage I did in these children’s lives out of my own weakness, foolishness, or
selfishness is a most important part of the process of parenting adult
children. (James 3:2)
There are certain things that they
need to recontextualize, or understand the broader picture, but much of the
time I can only apologize and say, “I am sorry, I never meant for you to feel
that way.” (James 5:16)
The worst of those occasions come
because the child was offended, hurt, or frustrated and they chose to just suck
it up. If they had cried out, we could have dealt with the problem. Because
they did not, everything just went along and the hurt was allowed to stay and
fester. (Ephesians 4:26–27; Hebrews 12:15)
Learning to Cry Out to the Lord
The psalms give us great language
for crying out to the Lord. We so often want to put on our imaginary armor and
make it appear as if we cannot be harmed, but that is simply and obviously not
the case. We are all vulnerable to hurt, fear, loss, or frustration. We try to
ignore, repress, or distract ourselves from this, but that doesn't bring about
the healing which the Lord offers. We must cry out with David in Psalm 143:
“Hear my prayer, O LORD,
Give ear to my supplications!
In Your faithfulness answer me,
And in Your righteousness.”
(Psalm 143:1)
These words may sound a bit too forward to our modern era.
Demanding attention is largely considered unattractive, and we are often
punished for doing so in social and business circumstances. There is something
to be said for having social awareness and knowing when to speak up and when to
show deference and patience (Proverbs 25:15). Yet David seems to have no
problem declaring his desire to be heard by the God of the Universe.
One reason we are trained to wait for attention is that our attention is always limited. We can only
listen to one person at a time and cannot be constantly available even to our
most beloved friends. God, on the other hand, has no such deficit of time or
attention. Quite to the contrary, He beckons us to Him in prayer constantly.
(Psalm 34:15; Jeremiah 33:3; Hebrews 4:16)
While we may often find it
difficult to be patient in the things that we bring before the Lord, there is
something truly powerful about the invitation which the Lord has put before us
— to come before Him in prayer at any time. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
Jesus’ Teaching on Persistent Prayer
Jesus addressed this issue more
than once. The parable of the unjust judge is a surprising one. An old woman
continues to come before an unjust judge and demand that he address her case.
She cannot afford to bribe him, but because of her persistence, he answers her
request. (Luke 18:1–8)
The reminder that God the Father is
a better giver than an earthly father reminds us that we can ask freely of God
and He will only give us things that are good and helpful for our lives. A good
human father wouldn't give a child a poisonous snake when asked for a meal, how
much more so the Lord? (Matthew 7:7–11)
We are told that we can ask of God
in times of trouble because He cares for the birds of the air and the lilies of
the field, yet He cares for us more. (Matthew 6:25–34; 1 Peter 5:7)
At the end of His earthly ministry
Jesus tells His disciples, “Until now you have asked for nothing in My name.
Ask, and you shall receive, that your joy may be full.” This is a new bit of
information. The disciples, and believers today by extension, are given
permission to come before the Father in the Name of Jesus Christ the Son. We
have been given an access card to the very throne room of God, and all our
requests will be heard and answered. (John 16:24; Ephesians 2:18; Hebrews
10:19–22)
The Real Problem: We Do Not Ask
The problem is not the Lord's
answer. The problem is that we refuse to ask. There could be no end to reasons
or excuses. Perhaps we want to be independent or simply think that this problem
is not worth “bothering” the Lord with. Yet the discipline of crying out to the
Lord is not only a privilege, it is the responsibility of every believer. The
exhortation to “Cast all your cares upon Him” is not a pleasant option — it is
the Lord's expectation. (1 Peter 5:7)
When we are told “Do not be anxious
about anything,” we can rightly say that being anxious about anything is a sin
— a failure to do the will of God. (Philippians 4:6–7)
Cry out to the Lord! Problems small
and great are suitable to bring before the throne. The Lord is faithful and
longs to listen. Your prayers, brought before Him, will always have impact and
power — though not always the results that we thought we wanted — and praise
the Lord for that. (Romans 8:28; 1 John 5:14–15)
An Illustration from Everyday Life
I have two dogs. They are rather
foolish and seem to get themselves in all kinds of troubles. They eat things
that make them sick, get wrapped up in rope or string, and they cause
themselves all kinds of potential health problems. The sooner they come to me
the sooner I can help them with the problem. Of course, I would love it if they
never had any problems, but I love them so much I would far rather help them
deal with their problems than see them come to greater destruction. (Luke
11:13)
This comes with some great news —
the Lord loves you immeasurably more than I love my dogs. Cry out to Him today!
(Romans 5:8; Psalm 55:16–17)